In the Shadow of Horrible Movie Ideas

So Sony is planning to make a movie based on Shadow of the Colossus. It's being produced by Kevin Misher of The Scorpion King fame. Being a spin off from The Mummy, that movie was a huge disappointment. Whose the writer? Justin Marks. The same person who wrote Street Figher: The Legend of Chun-Li. Why yes, that is a metacritic score of 17 out of 100.

Shadow of the Colossus is one of my all time favorite games, and one that showed me countless time that I have no idea how to spell Colossus without google.

If you're unfamiliar with the game, it has a well drawn out formula that creates a unique sense of awe throughout its iteration. You play Wander, a young man who takes a lifeless milky white skinned girl named Mono to an alter where you hunt down and murder 16 Innocent colossi as sacrifices to demigod Dormin who promises to resurrect your love in a wonderful zombie revival. Yes, it IS that good.

What sets the game apart from other sacrificial zombie like stories is that each colossi is a unique puzzle, only to be defeated once the player finds their special weakness. This ruins any replay value, but the depth of each boss fight and discovery of these weaknesses is a triumph in itself. The game also has a loose tie in with ICO, another game that deserves to be played and praised for wonderful story development and personal attachment.

The Killer chooses his next colossi victim.

As wondrous as SotC is, transformation into a movie has all the marks for a horrible never ending dvd of disgrace. The game has very little dialog which puts emphasis on the solidity of the main character as he battles colossi in a unique way to save Mono for some unknown reason. Where will the dialog come from? How will you translate the epic colossi visuals when you feel disconnected from Wander? No horse will ever be able to live up to Agro! (If I ever do own a horse, you can bet I will name him Agro and train him/her to come when I whistle and gallop in the direction of light shining off my huge forehead.)

Transforming video games into the big screen has brought new lows into the world, I'm staring at you Uwe Boll. The medium to tell the story is vastly different and the main audience you're presenting to will either have no clue where to grasp the foundations from or they'll be overly disappointed at the lack of game connections.

In closing, I hope this movie never gets made. The story of Wander, Agro, and Mono was one of the few gaming experiences I'll never forget and always enjoy. I don't think a team of movie makers will every exists who could do it proper justice. And if it does get made, I'll have to be a lemming and show up opening night just because of the name. You won't be able to miss me, I'll be in the back row crying into my popcorn from the disappointment.

Damn you Hollywood, damn you. Now pass the extra salty popcorn.

A quick moment of RE5 OMGWTF

Just wanted to post a quick picture from last night early this morning.



Yes, that is 54 deaths. 54 times of pressing 'X' to begin another session of torture. 54 times of wondering when will the pain end. This is one of the last bosses on Resident Evil 5 on Professional difficulty after a full day of work and a morning of no sleep but more determination than a wall street executive trying to suck as much money as possible from a stimulus bill.

BottleRocket's Crash Landing

Previously I posted on my less than enthusiastic impression of the new Splatterhouse 4 trailer. It seems some people agreed with me. According to Kotaku, last Friday Namco Bandai strolled into BottleRocket's office and began savagely beating people with prosthetic limbs. (ok not really, but that would have been a nice show of irony for next time Namco!) Apparently, BottleRocket was missing deadlines and handing over less than stellar material . Really? I couldn't have guessed by the generic rock trailer they posted from the Comic-Con.

Read more here, but only click if you think I'm lying and have to check my sources.
ouch! you clicked!

Splatter...rock?

It's late at night, everyone has gone to bed and you're alone in your room with the lights off and a pair of headphones. Laying back on your cheeto stained chair you start up your console and enter a macabre world of gaming delights.

Well, that's how it is supposed to get done. But the latest trailer for Splatterhouse makes me want to mosh more than wet myself. The first games were created back in the early 90's for the 16-bit generation, but their sense of mood was nothing to laugh at. Music that bled pain into your ears, images of your girlfriend being sucked into hell, and a teddy bear that, well, let's just say I burned all the teddy bears in house after I played through the game.

How to create an eerie atmosphere in 16-bits or less Splatterhouse 3:

How to create a mosh pit in the new Splatterhouse 4:



End result - what happened to my Splatterhouse?! After watching the new trailer I don't feel like turning off the lights and huddling in the corner, I feel like cranking up the music and jumping around!

The game developers, Bottlerocket Entertainment, have a lot of work ahead of them. Their repertoire consists of a so-so teen fighting game and a poorly received translation of a cartoon series. Now they have to create a house that, well, should splatter blood and pain in all directions. (Think of holding a huge packet of ketchup in your hands, were the ketchup represents blood, and squeezing it will all your might - kind of like that)

So as much as I want to welcome a new Splatterhouse game, I'm gearing myself up for disappointment. If the latest Silent Hill and Resident Evil have shown us the future, it's that horror games have either gone bland with repetition or been replaced with buckets filled with testosterone being dumped over player a-la winning the game coach style. Mmmmm, testosterone, the thirst quencher!