Resident Evil 5 and Professional Mode

The great almighty me has quickly and dutifully finished Resident Evil 5 with my fellow columnist, Tashpool, about one week after its release. We loved killing zombies so much (albeit minority zombies from Africa) that we re-played and finished the game in veteran mode, thus unlocking professional mode, as you can see from Tashpool's March 28, 2009 "article."

We slaved through the hours of the night, attempting to beat the game's "professional mode." It wasn't pretty. We threw rocks when we ran out of ammo, both at our enemies and at our television screens, and then we made loud noises such as uncontrollable flatulence and belching when our frustration failed to reverberate from our vocal cords. In the end, when the dust settled, it was 5 o'clock in the morning, the dawn was breaking, and the taste in our mouth and smell in our noses was that of dumbass victory. That is, we slowly realized we were dumbasses for succumbing to such madness, and went to bed. All this for the "war hero" achievment on a PS3 network that many consider inferior to XBox Live.

But this matters not, for I am still greater than you for being victorious in Resident Evil 5 professional mode. I now have the right to be a God, as I have made Albert Wesker forfeit such a right on professional mode! I no longer even have to do my taxes! Hey, I will find a way to get out of prison though, because I beat Albert Wesker on professional mode, and I'm just that good.

I met my friend Andrew and told him of the experience. "That must have been brutal," he says to me. "You're supposed to play professional mode with infinite ammo! That's the whole purpose of having infinite ammo!"

"What?" I said to him. "No, that doesn't make sense. Why would you do that if you wanted to challenge yourself?" But Andrew insists that this is the whole reason that infinite ammo and professional mode exist.

But wait, if one is indeed a professional, shouldn't they be able to handle "professional mode" without infinite ammo?

Anyway. If you and a friend decide to take on this task of playing professional mode in Resident Evil 5, here are some tips (note that there are some major spoilers below; I warned you!):

1. Forget the melee and "bulletproof vests." In professional mode, these inventory items have the efficacy of a dungeons and dragons nerd courting a professional model using pick-up lines like "Your beauty is like a 10-d-1000." Generally, things will hit you once, and either Chris or Sheva will double over in pain and die regardless of bulletproof underwear or tank-tops, and you will get the dreaded, "YOU DIED" screen, thereby validating your suckiness. Use those inventory slots for extra first-aid spray instead.

2. As often as possible, stay directly adjacent to your partner! When you do get hit by something, it's likely to cause you or your partner to begin the one-second sequence to game-over. When this happens, you MUST press the circle button, be within range of your partner, and resuscitate him or her as soon as the screen flashes white, or else you will be too late. This is impossible if you are even three or four feet away from your partner.

3. Play with an actual human player, preferably a friend. Even though the game's AI is great as a partner, it still doesn't measure up to an actual human at the controls. By having a friend play with you, you can coordinate plans and not actually have to worry about the AI doing something you don't want it to do. The AI is good, but a human partner will always be better.

4. If you don't want to play with infinite ammo, then play in an easier mode, either with a friend or solo, and stockpile as much ammo as you possibly can. This isn't cheating; the game allows you to do this. And not only that, but you can still legally claim that you didn't touch the infinite ammo mode switch. So if you want this honor, then take advantage of the game allowing you to stockpile ammo! You don't want to be in a situation where you have to face a horde of zombies that will take you out in one hit, and you have no ammo to do anything about it.

5. When prompted to press a button in a boss fight or FMV sequence, think before you press! And do it damn quick! This is obviously easier said than done. If you haven't noticed, when the screen prompts you to press the square button to dodge during a video or boss fight, if you press "X" instead, then you've already lost the game or come very close to losing. When prompted to press a button, try and relax yourself, wait for the prompt to flash, and then press the button. There's usually only, at very most, a one-second window, and in the worst case scenario, literally two-tenths of a second for you to press the button correctly, and then the game will end or come very close to ending.

6. In the battle where Uroboros swallows Excella Gionne, be prepared to be frustrated. Between me and Tashpool we took two hours attempting to defeat this thing. This is mainly because when the screen prompts you to dodge, and you press the wrong button, the game ends. Like in previous difficulty modes, one person should be firing the laser, and the other should be covering him or her. This is probably one of the most difficult boss fights on professional mode. Tips #1 and #2 are crucial in this fight, and don't be shy about stocking up on first-aid spray. Your results may vary.

7. In the battle with Wesker and Valentine vs. Chris and Sheva: It is very important to get Wesker to knock Chris through the door on the bottom floor of the room, because this leads to several passages that allows you to evade Wesker and Valentine. Have the player who plays Chris simply stand in front of the door, and Wesker will kick him through the door, thus opening up a maze of passages that allows you to evade Wesker. You can use the passages to draw both Jill and Wesker into them, run around in loops in the maze there and evade Wesker, while working together with your partner to perpetually knock-out Jill. Note that when Wesker is loudly proclaiming that he can't find you, you can try to run around behind him, fire two magnum shots into his back, then run the other direction.

Finally, you can simply try to run around and evade both Wesker and Valentine for seven minutes, but this too will be difficult. Whatever the case, it's going to be tough; Wesker or Jill only needs to connect a punch, kick, or bullet once and you'll be one-second away from the game ending.

8. Above all, patience. You're going to die. There's no way around it. And it's going to happen most frequently with the bosses. This does not mean that you suck. Unless of course, we are talking about your skill in relation to mine. But it is called "professional mode" for a reason. Hang in there, and you too will one day claim the glory of defeating professional mode, without using infinite ammo!

I wish you all some happy Resident Evil 5 adventures! And remember, only you can light Tashpool on fire with great joy.